Simon's space

This comes from a Catholic elementary school test in which kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following were statements about the Bible written by children, untouched or corrected with spelling as it was written down.

Enjoy!

S.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT  CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE  BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Here's ten things I love about our little Barts in no particular order -

• The way he hugs me back, patting the side of my arm
• The ever increasing spherical zone he’s able to splat when armed with a pot of tomato spaghetti and a tea spoon
• His baby belly laugh
• The way he calls everything ‘Dada’. Even Mummy
• The intoxicating smell of his hair
• That he seems as consumed with music as I am
• That he’s nearly always happy. And when he isn’t there’s always a good reason
• His slightly chubby little hands that are always ready to slip into mine
• The way he can knock on my study door when I’m working in exactly the same way Sandra does
• That he can smile when he still has big tears in his eyes

Seems like he’s been in my life for 20 years, let alone 20 months.

S.

When I was a teenager...

... I bought my first 4-track recorder. It cost about $2,000 and involved a day out to take a train up to London to visit Soho Soundhouse, just off Soho Square. When I arrived at the shop it was locked but clearly very busy. I was only let in once I'd convinced a heavy piece of meat at the door that I was serious about making music, my music was cool and I was definitely not a crook.

Once I’d chosen my recorder, a cheap mic and stand and a reverb unit I then had to carry several heavy, large boxes across London by taxi to get the train home. Although I arrived home 10 hours later exhausted, with arms scraping the ground like a monkey, I was still delighted that I’d reached step one in my recording career.

Tonight...

... I sat at my desk and downloaded a 4-track recorder. It cost $9.99, runs on my iPhone. It arrived in less than 10 seconds (here's the link in the iTunes Apps Store) and uses the audio of my phone so there is nothing else I need to buy to make it work. And it syncs to my computer so I can import anything of value (or even just sketch ideas) into Pro Tools/Cubase/whatever.

My, how life has changed.

S.

Just got back from midnight mass at our local village church, where people have celebrated Christmas for nearly 1,000 years. Today’s midnight service was totally packed, which was a little surprising. Maybe it's the credit crunch?!

There were the usual hymns and a wonderful choral piece after communion. I'm going to have to find out the name of the soloist.

In the sermon our vicar read out part of my favourite Christmas poem. Here it is in full -

Happy Christmas!

S.

Christmas by John Betjeman

The bells of waiting Advent ring
The Tortoise stove is lit again
And lamp-oil light across the night
Has caught the streaks of winter rain
In many a stained-glass window sheen
From Crimson Lake to Hookers Green

The holly in the windy hedge
And round the Manor House the yew
Will soon be stripped to deck the ledge
The altar, font and arch and pew
So that the villagers can say
'The church looks nice' on Christmas Day

Provincial Public Houses blaze
Corporation tramcars clang
On lighted tenements I gaze
Where paper decorations hang
And bunting in the red Town Hall
Says 'Merry Christmas to you all'

And London shops on Christmas Eve
Are strung with silver bells and flowers
As hurrying clerks the City leave
To pigeon-haunted classic towers
And marbled clouds go scudding by
The many-steepled London sky

And girls in slacks remember Dad
And oafish louts remember Mum
And sleepless children's hearts are glad
And Christmas-morning bells say 'Come!'
Even to shining ones who dwell
Safe in the Dorchester Hotel

And is it true
This most tremendous tale of all
Seen in a stained-glass window's hue
A Baby in an ox's stall?
The Maker of the stars and sea
Become a Child on earth for me?

And is it true? For if it is
No loving fingers tying strings
Around those tissued fripperies
The sweet and silly Christmas things
Bath salts and inexpensive scent
And hideous tie so kindly meant

No love that in a family dwells
No carolling in frosty air
Nor all the steeple-shaking bells
Can with this single Truth compare -
That God was man in Palestine
And lives today in Bread and Wine

Well, holiday season is well and truly here. So far I’ve been given an Amazing Grace DVD, an Il Divo CD, a book about getting to sleep using CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), a thermal top, a chocolate orange (already eaten) and two wonderful photos of my father.

We had our second Christmas celebration of the season today. It was the one my Dad would have been at. We didn’t have an empty chair but there was an uneven number of places set at the dining table. That was tricky. And being the only grown up male, feeling somehow a lot more grown up this year than last. The era of the 12 mega pixel camera almost brings my father back to life. If I look at the photos for long enough I can almost hear him speak. He is particularly missed right now. It will be a while before I’ll be hanging those photos…

But, for the most part, we all held ourselves together well today having what was by all other measures a wonderful time. The three little ones made today very special and this year will be remembered for Sandra’s incredible Christmas candy (which she made with Poppy and Moo) and Barty’s CONSTANT humming ‘One Man Went To Mo’, even tho he can’t talk yet. Oh, and reclaiming our drawing room after a massive push to get rid of a roomful of clutter after the Cottage move. There's something very grown up about sipping a glass of champagne in front of a real, crackling fire.

In terms of the studio, my Christmas came early this year with two new guitar microphones (Neumann KM184’s) and Pro Tools 8, which could keep me busy for another three months.

The next few days will be about last minute shopping, a quiet, family Christmas Eve, a slightly busier Christmas Day and what I hope to be a completely chilled out family time between Christmas and the New Year. All punctuated with golden moments at our sweet village Church. Last Sunday I sung there for the first time – it was a cool Christmas song Sue and I wrote called ‘Before Christ’. It was nice to share a little of my Nashville world with the faithful folk back home.  

So this season is already flying by… and I’m sure it will be over before Amy Grant can sing ‘Jingle Bells’!

S.

I don't know if you read the blog I wrote at the end of my last trip to Nashville but one of the learning points I came home with was to work my best ideas.

These are the ideas that surface time and time again from my subconscious, the ones I wake up to, find myself humming while I'm walking to the car, hearing the production in my head while I'm waiting in line in Starbucks, without them being even half-finished.

I was feeling like those ideas must come back for a reason and I need to respect that and pay more attention to them. I also mentioned that one song written during that last trip stood out because it came from exactly that place.

Well friends, it just got cut. Not even a month after we wrote it.

Yaay!!

S.

This is hilarious... either -

• It's an incredibly good idea and our German friend has caught the beginning of a wacky new wave of tie wearing among Apple dudes or
  
• He is totally out of touch... I mean, going Mac/iPhone is about as anti-tie as you can get isn't it? Even windows users don't wear ties these days.
  

It's the 7th most popular biz app for the iPhone tho...

S.

Seems like today dysfunctional is ok as long as you are authentic about it. From broken down Tuscan farm houses to politicians and pop stars. In some cases dysfunctional is actually cool.

Trouble is, it makes me not want to try so hard.

S.

Did you know that in his life Christ fulfilled 332 distinct prophecies in the Old Testament? What are the mathematical possibilities of all these prophecies being fulfilled in the life of one man?

1/840,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, 000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,

(That’s ninety-seven zeroes!) Amazing!

Hear how my Mac read it out loud!

Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Urine - Opposite of you're out